Let’s be honest: dating is an absolute mindfield, right? Especially at the moment, when we can’t really see or speak to people face-to-face, many of us are relying on dating apps to make that connection. What happens, though, when we think we’ve found a love connection and it falls apart – how do you process and heal from that digital rejection?
We spoke to Kat Harris, Relationship Coach to give us some tips on how to get over it. Kat works with women all over the world on dating, relationships, singleness and sexuality.
What’s the closest scenario in online dating you’ve experienced? Find your answers here…
#1 “I have been speaking to a guy on a dating app for a fairly long time (around two months). Obviously we hadn’t met yet because of COVID-19, but we were planning to when we could. However, he suddenly ghosted me. I don’t know what I did, but I’m finding it quite hard to move on from him because I can’t move past thinking it’s something to do with me. What shall I do?”
Kat: First of all, I am so sorry you were ghosted. I’ve been there before and it is painful. Here are a few things to think about as you process moving on from Mr. Ghoster:
- A person who ‘ghosts’ does not value communication. The hallmark of any healthy relationship is open communication. If this person can’t even communicate his interest or disinterest, he’s not a person that is ready for a healthy relationship.
- A ‘ghoster’ is emotionally unavailable. By not showing up for you this person has shown you he is unwilling or unable to enter into vulnerability and that he lacks emotional maturity. I want a person for you who is ready for vulnerability, emotionally mature and healthy and can show up for you.
- All in all, as much as ghosting is painful, you truly dodged a bullet. This has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do where this guy is not and who is not choosing to be. My friend, you deserve so much more! His rejection is your protection!
#2 “I can’t seem to match with anyone on dating apps. My friends are on them and always seem to be talking about their matches. I feel a bit left behind, and I’m questioning myself on whether I’m good enough or even attractive. It hurts.”
Kat: Dating apps can be tough, and I’ve gone through dry spells as well where I don’t get a lot of matches. But hang in there. You are good enough. You are worthy. You are beautiful–today, not some past or future version of you. That’s the starting point here. An online dating match or lack thereof has no power to tell you you’re worth. Now that that’s settled, let’s talk about a few ways we can help jump start your online dating experience.
Shift your mindset. Our minds are powerful, and our thoughts have the power to help create our realities. If you show up expecting online dating not to work, everything that does or doesn’t happen becomes evidence for that belief. The reality is that online dating can and does work and it’s 100% possible that it could work for you.
Be intentional. I dare you to try this: commit to online dating for 3 months. In those 3 months, go on your app 6 days a week, 20 minutes a day, 10 minutes in the morning, and 10 in the evening. Set reminders in your phone or calendar. When you go on the app, spend that time swiping, initiating and responding to messages. If you’ve talked with a person more than a few days, suggest meeting in person. Have a goal to go on 3 dates within that 3 months. I have a feeling if you’re this intentional about online dating, you will see some real matches and real results.
#3 “I met up for a socially-distanced date with someone and thought we hit it off quite well. We agreed to see each other again and have spoken a couple of times but it seems to have fizzled out. Do you think he thought I wasn’t what he expected?”
Kat: I don’t know the answer to that question. But if you are lacking clarity, I’d encourage you to have a conversation with him. You can say something like, “Hey I really enjoyed our date, and felt like we hit it off quite well. I’d really like to go out with you again and wanted to see where you were at”. When we communicate what it is that we want we are saying with our words and actions that ‘I am a woman who knows her worth, and knows what she wants and has the confidence to vulnerably share that with another’.
Now if he’s not into that, then he’s no person you want to be dating. Because here’s the truth: you are a catch. You are worthy, and honestly, any guy would be lucky to have your attention.
#4 “I can’t seem to get past the ‘talking stage’ with anyone. We match, have a little small-talk and that’s IT! I really want to find a connection with someone but I don’t know how to move it along…can you help?”
Kat: Yes I can help! You have the permission to ask for clarity in your relationships. If it’s in the talking stage and you are interested in more, try saying something like this, “I really enjoy talking to you, and I’m interested in getting to know you as more than friends. What do you think about that?”
By doing this, you are leading with vulnerability, and creating space for them to let you know where they’re at. Regardless of what happens, you’ll have clarity. And clarity is key in any relationship. Remember: you don’t have to wait for them to ‘move things along’. You have the permission to share what you want!
You can read more about Kat’s work via https://therefinedwoman.com/about