Should I Tell His Girlfriend That I Have Slept with Him?
Should I Tell His Girlfriend That I Have Slept with Him?
Q:
I was seeing this guy and then he got with someone else while abroad. He is now living back in the UK and his girlfriend is in Australia. He told me he wasn’t with her but he’s now admitted he is. I have slept with him and am wondering if it’s the right thing to tell her or not. I know we will fall out because of it, but I don’t think his girlfriend or I deserve to be lied to. What should I do?
A:

Thank you for writing in! I am frequently faced with similar questions like this from my prospective clients. While your question is if you should tell the other parties involved, I would like to shift the concern to why you still feel connected to this situation.


Taking him and the girlfriend out of it for a little bit and just focusing on you, let’s dissect this scenario even further. You “were seeing this guy and then he got with someone else while abroad”. Full stop. Here is the first sign of infidelity and not being truthful to you. Next, “he told you he wasn’t with her and he’s now admitted he is”, after sleeping with you. Another full stop. Here is the second sign of him not being truthful to you. 


Continuing to dissect this scenario, “you were seeing this guy”. This tells me that there is/was no official commitment from him to you. You also now know that he has a girlfriend. Again, I would ask, what about this situation is still serving you? Why do you still feel connected to this situation to even want to report this situation?


The answer is:

  1. Because even a small part of you still feels invested. Don’t worry, this is a normal feeling that most people have in relationships when we share our time and emotions with someone. My advice to you is to challenge yourself to shift your thinking from being concerned with “falling out with him” to “he’s already fallen out with me due to his actions”.
  2. You’re looking at it as a loss if you leave the relationship without telling her. My advice to you is to challenge yourself to shift your thinking to “I was fortunate enough to be able to leave. I won”.

Sometimes we think we have no closure because it doesn’t look like a sit-down meeting with a handshake at the end. But the facts are your closure. His girlfriend will find out in her own time. Any continued communication from you to them just deepens your investment even more.

Self-help exercises you can try:

  1. Self-reflect. Figure out what went right and wrong in this relationship. Then forgive yourself and strategize on how you will accept better moving forward.
  2. Take some time to gain clarity on what you desire from your relationships and where you are looking to go in them.
  3. Learn the right questions to ask while dating so that you can vet before you invest and date someone like-minded.


By Rochelle Soyoola, Marriage & Dating Coach


If you’re struggling with your love life, feel free to reach out Rochelle via Instagram @marriageformillennials.


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