I’m So Tired of Myself Constantly Investing in My Date One Sided. What Should I Do?
I’m So Tired of Myself Constantly Investing in My Date One Sided. What Should I Do?
Q:
I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years. It was a constant struggle and extremely toxic. After a year of being single and multiple failed talking stages, I met a man and have been talking to him for 6 months. I’m incredibly invested and am constantly going above and beyond, breaking my back to be his backbone and support. I am there for him as and when he needs, I drop everything to be able to talk to him for even 5 minutes.

My issue is, in these 6 months, we have only met 4 or maybe 5 times, he never calls me and never initiates the next meeting/date. He gives me mere scraps of his time and usually replies only once in a day and most recently has been taking multiple days to text me back. I’ve raised my concerns with him multiple times and he apologised, agreed that it is not fair on me as I am only human and have feelings too and says he will change. He has said that he does have feelings and he isn’t cold, he is really interested in me and misses me too…however whenever I try to talk to or meet him, I’m given excuses that he has exams or he is spending time with family, for example.

But I’m so tired of giving my all and being the good, understanding person, when it’s my feelings in the end that I am hurting and compromising on. I really do have intense feelings for him and don’t know how to move forward. I feel like I’ve given men my word and it is pure, it is genuine and sincere…but I don’t feel appreciated. It’s now 1/2 years that I have felt this way with all the men that have walked into my life. My heart is aching and I just want to be given some respect, appreciation and effort. Any guidance would be much appreciated. Thank you.
A:

This is a very clear case of  compliance boundaries issues – where by we assume that the more we give,  the more it will make someone want us and love us. Giving him your all  not only becomes draining, but it also doesn’t give him the opportunity  to give back.


How can a man chase you if you are chasing him?


How can he step up and do more if you haven’t left him the gap to do that?


If you are constantly initiating and always there for him even when  he doesn’t prioritise you, what you are doing is sending him the signal  that what he is doing is okay – you are rewarding his negative  behaviour.


By the sounds of it, what needs to happen is learning to love  yourself more fully to know when to give and how much to give and being  comfortable with setting boundaries. Giving more to make up for his lack  will never work. You can’t keep giving from an empty cup.  There is  only ever two reason why we suffer in love – we are doing the wrong  thing or dating the wrong man. In this case it could be both, however it  does sound like more of a self-sabotage. It’s time to start giving YOU  your all first and then giving back to the right man from a place of  security and abundance and boundaries.


Breaking self-sabotaging patterns isn’t something we magically fix  overnight. We have to build new convictions and do what is right even if  we don’t feel the change straight away.

I would recommend having some sort of accountability checker when it  comes to how much you give. Example, have 10 marbles and every time you  do something for someone put one marble in a jar, if someone gives back  to you, put the marble back in the first jar.  This will be a visual  representation of how much you give and how much other are giving back  to you. If your own jar is empty because you have given too many marbles  away into the other jar – guess what?! It’s time to stop giving and  allow yourself to receive!



By Renee Slansky, Dating & Relationship Coach


You can reach out Renee via Instagram @ReneeSlansky


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