Am I Doing Something Wrong?
Am I Doing Something Wrong?
Q:
I’ve been trying to date but I’m not having any luck. I have mostly used dating apps to meet new people, but all the relationships that are being sought are casual hook ups. I’m not sure what I am doing wrong?
A:

I want to validate how challenging online dating apps can be and share that unfortunately, this concern is far too common! I think there are a few different things that may be helpful to increase one’s success with online dating. First, it’s important to reflect on and identify what you are looking for from online dating. Is it a relationship? Is it marriage? Are you open to seeing where things go? Whatever it is, it’ll be helpful for you to know what your intention with online dating is and carefully organise your profile to reflect that. If you are clear on what specifically you are wanting and feel comfortable sharing that from the outset, you may consider writing it out on your profile.


Also, some other suggestions would be to dedicate some time to make your profile and share information that provides a holistic perspective of you. These suggestions will likely increase the likelihood of people connecting with you that also have similar intentions and desires, as well as filter out those that do not. Secondly, identify your dating boundaries and what you are comfortable/not comfortable with discussing with someone you have matched with.


Be empowered to direct the conversation in a way that aligns with your intentions and those who are interested will likely continue to express interest. For instance, it may be helpful to share what you are wanting from the dating app and ask them their intentions after the period of small talk. Thirdly, be curious about the person and focus on genuinely trying to get to know them. You’ll be able to get a sense of the person’s intentions based on how they respond to your questions, as well as your interest in getting to know them can communicate a level of seriousness too. Finally, people use dating apps for different reasons; thus, remain hopeful, while remembering to also focus on increasing chances of meeting others through different ways as dating apps are only one avenue for making connections.


Some self-help exercises that may be helpful include focusing on building your social support and connections in other ways outside of dating apps. For instance, it may be through engaging in community activities, volunteering, and reaching out to family/friends about your interest in meeting new people and dating. Secondly, practice self-compassion as online dating can be challenging; thus, in moments of stress, treat yourself like you would a friend. How are you speaking to yourself about your dating experience? What would you say to a friend in a similar situation? What activities would help you to improve your confidence and mood? Thirdly, engage in regular self-care activities that promote your emotional and physical wellbeing, in order to be able to show up most fully during the dating process and throughout life!

Some self-help exercises that may be helpful include focusing on building your social support and connections in other ways outside of dating apps. For instance, it may be through engaging in community activities, volunteering, and reaching out to family/friends about your interest in meeting new people and dating. Secondly, practice self-compassion as online dating can be challenging; thus, in moments of stress, treat yourself like you would a friend. How are you speaking to yourself about your dating experience? What would you say to a friend in a similar situation? What activities would help you to improve your confidence and mood? Thirdly, engage in regular self-care activities that promote your emotional and physical wellbeing, in order to be able to show up most fully during the dating process and throughout life!



By Dr. Sheva Assar, Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Relationship Coach


Feel free to reach out to her via Instagram @drsheva or https://www.drshevaassar.com/


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